Fuck You. The Cybertruck Is Amazing. Fight me.

It’s perfect. Don’t change a single thing.

Look, not all of us grew up on a farm or fucking our sisters. Pickup trucks are incredibly useful vehicles but they come with huge connotations that I don’t subscribe to. I don’t like steak, so odds are I’m not going to want to drive a car that looks like I eat meat to spite vegetarians. I don’t even own a gun or like Garth Brooks that much.

There are very few options for hotboys who could use a pickup truck, but don’t want to drink Bud Light. It’s a life style, I get it.

But I grew up dreaming of dystopian cyberpunk futures where powerful and lawless hackers defied our corporate overlords while evading the authorities using only their wits and ingenuity. Basically, I really dig the shit out of Shadowrun and HOLY SHIT IS EDWARD SNOWDEN A DECKER?

Here is the Cybertruck next to the best selling artificial penis and a slow motion failure.

People hate the design. People also fill their homes with twine balls and bottles full of rotten peppers suspended in oil. But they don’t get it. The typical pickup owner doesn’t want an electric pickup. They literally think that shit is gay. We talked about that in the article linked here.

So making an electric pickup truck that is conventional in design to appeal to a typical pickup buyer is a fools errand. Pickup guys modify their trucks to run like shit specifically to pollute more. That’s how much they hate California.

So the Cybertruck’s design is genius. I’m a huge fan of Cadillac’s Art and Science design language they introduced 1999. While every ’90s car was shaving off corners and getting rounder and smoother. Cadillac was like “Fuck that. We’re designing this thing with a razorblade.” What resulted was a car that looked masculine and futuristic and luxurious.

This angle alone is the reason I drive a Cadillac. I like big butts guys.

But just like the Cyber Truck. People hated and hate the Art and Science design language. It takes all kinds. But Cadillac was trying to sell a new type of performance luxury and break from it’s reputation as an old ladies car. So they want angular and masculine and modern and while the design language is less pure in it’s current version (I think peaking with the 2nd generation), Cadillac still makes some beautiful cars.

The Cybertruck is equally beautiful. It’s not for pickup truck guys. It’s for dudes like me who go pick up huge hauls of vintage computers. Who like to go antiquing. Who want to be in something modern and futuristic and non-traditionally masculine. Is it a polarizing design? I guess.

Weird drug addict billionaire next to some broken windows.

So let’s talk about the launch. People have been making fun of the launch all week. They’re like “Oh haha, it looks like a door stop” or “That’s what a 4 year olds drawing of a car looks like.” or “Haha your windows broke. get rekt.” And to that I say:

Fuck off and die you fucking dipshit. So what the windows broke when someone threw a cannonball at them? So will the windows on your Hyundai Elantra if I throw a cannonball at them. (Keep talking shit and I’m gonna come to your house and throw a cannonball at your windows, asshole.)

Please don’t rob me of the future I deserve.

Everyone hates everything new. I get it. But all the memes and backlash scare me because I hope Tesla doesn’t cave into the pressure of normies and redesign it. I’ve seen some online mockups of what people think it should look like and it makes me want to go on a killing spree.

I have no idea why I’m so invested in this design, other than it’s driving me nuts seeing so many people being willingly wrong and smug about it. These assholes who have no intention of buying the thing are gonna ruin this for me and maybe that’s why I’m defending it so harshly.

Every single car for sale today. What even are these? I could not tell you.

Cars today are fucking stupid looking. They’re all cross over SUVs with the same exact silhouette. Why? Because car companies are all barely hanging on and no one is taking any chances in design language. Everything is morphing into the same mono-car and creating an environment of sameness. It’s bland and frustrating and leads to a lack of choice.

And everyone knows it. Everyone complains about how everything looks the same. But when someone does something radically different, you all shit on the company and make fun of them? It’s enough to drive me insane. They turned the Mustang into a cross-over SUV, guys. But the Cybertruck is ugly?

This is what someone thought it should look like. How comically wrong they are. This would appeal to absolutely no one other than people’s expectations.

I’d rather be ugly than bland. I’d rather be fucking hideous than a forgettable coward chasing long dead trends.

Welcome back bench seat.

The interior is simple and elegant. Borrowing a lot from the Tesla Model 3, it really boils the interior down to a comfortable place to commute. It’s a vaporwave dream with that white marble dashboard, angular lines and seating for 6. The tinted panoramic sunroof creates a cockpit that feels wide open but provides privacy and elegance. It has everything you need, perfectly laid out. It’s simultaneously cosmopolitan and weird.

Oh and it does 0-60 faster than Lamborghini’s and shit. What the fuck is your problem? Why do you hate beautiful, cool, unique things? And now I’m mad again.

Elon Musk, high on dabs of marijuana, struggles to comprehend the audience backlash.

Even if I can’t afford a Cybertruck in the next 2 years, if they stick with this design, it will give other automakers the courage to be creative. And hopefully I can afford one of THOSE cars inspired by the Cybertruck.

Please don’t fuck this up. Give me the future I deserve. Give me my Cybertruck or go Cyberfuck yourself.

2 thoughts on “Fuck You. The Cybertruck Is Amazing. Fight me.

  1. Fucking love it. I love the Cybertruck for that matter. I’m so sick of this current death in automotive design. My friends expect me to know what car they drive, I have no fucking clue because it looks like every other fucking car in the lot. I get angry about it, because I love design and I love risk in design. I grew up loving ridiculous cars, the Lamborghini Countach, any Maserati, the Volkswagen Thing and absolutely fucking anything with tailfins. The SUV hybrid that is designed exactly the same by twelve different manufacturers makes me want to throw up on the highway and I feel that cars are only available in white, grey and black these days…what the fuck is that noise? Where is pumpkin orange, cerulean, avocado green, deep yellow, metal flake anything.
    The automotive industry is at its nadir and seems to be celebrating the white walls of suburban death. This Cybertruck design is outrageous and I fucking love it. Bring on the future, let’s make driving fucking weird again. It used to be your home and your car were extensions of your personality, and maybe that’s where the idiots driving raised pickups belching black smoke have oddly got it right–they are terrible trash with micropenises who want to kill the environment, but you don’t have to question that, you know their vehicle is an extension of their vile little lives. I hope this design stands and I hope Elon’s shit just gets more and more strange and that he finds a crowd that celebrates this. Everyone loves the freaking Delorean retrospectively, but a the time it was laughed at and they went bankrupt. I hope this doesn’t have the same fallout.

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