Michael Pollack – Bachelor Uncle Of The Month

It’s over for you hoes. The king is here.

This guy terrifies me. He’s so perfect and I love him so much that I’m terrified something terrible is going to come out about this man. The only bad thing I found about him was a picture of him with George W. Bush. It’s very strange however, because everything I have read about him is nothing but glowing praise. And that is no easy feat – people hate landlords.

And on paper, that is is what Michael Pollack is – a landlord. He is most known for being a commercial landlord, but he’s a landlord none the less. And yet, somehow, he has a sparkling reputation. I remember in 2009, I was looking for a place to possibly move my bar/venue and someone told me to try to put it in a Michael Pollack property because he takes such good care of tenants. Apparently, he celebrates his tenants business anniversaries with them.

This guy just gets the aesthetic of being a Bachelor Uncle.

I’m worried that I’m blowing my wad too early with this guy, because, he is the PERFECT Bachelor Uncle. His aesthetic style is anachronistic, yet timeless. He imbues all of his properties with his own personal design choices. He leans on the side of opulence, always. Did you see those marble floors, gold plaques and glittery chandeliers in the first picture? This dude is legit!

But a Bachelor Uncle is more than just beautiful hair, a perfect body and aesthetic dominance. A Bachelor Uncle is a different kind of man with a unique vision. He’s someone who reaches out and makes the world a better place. And by all accounts, Michael Pollack is the world’s most perfect man.

Everything about this man is perfection. I need to find a better word, but from his snakeskin boots to his collar being open 5 buttons and his ’70s sex medallion – PURE HUNK STATUS! Uhnnnfff.

Here I shall go over some of his accomplishments:

  • He owns not one, but three, fucking museums!
  • Oh, what’s that? He is the holder of a Guinness Book World Record? For what? Oh for bad ass nostalgic advertising memorabilia? Check.
  • He has owned over 10 million square feet in property.
  • Built his first house at the age of 18? Uh, yeah he did.
  • Owns the fucking gun from Scarface. This man is a gem.

But let’s talk about his band. Oh yeah. Michael Pollack, in addition to being all of those things, is also a drummer in a band called, get this, “A Corporate Affair.” The dude is a fucking boss.

Boom Bap, the sound of my heart.

His band, basically, only plays charity events. The band plays those events for free. But Mr. Pollack here, makes sure that his musician friends get paid really well for their time regardless. The man grew up always wanting to be in a band, but decided to build an empire. Then later in life put together a band, hired the best musicians and uses his musical talents to help kids and charity events.

The more I read about Michael Pollack, the more I learned about his charitable giving. The man supports dozens of charities but he especially supports all the various Centers for the Arts across the Phoenix Valley. This man owns 3 museums of his own and still donates gobs of cash to other museums. Amazing.

There was even a story about him spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on one of his employee’s kid who got very sick. Just covered that shit straight out of his pocket. Most employers moan and lament the healthcare system and throw their hands up in the air, and Michael Pollack, who is just some local real estate magnate, steps the fuck up and goes the extra mile. Your move, CEO of JP Morgan.

Look at his palm trees. Look at the white flowers. Look at the naked lady statues all over his shelves. Can you imagine what it must feel like to be this man?

Michael came from humble beginnings. His Dad was a seller of scrap metal and junk batteries, and that’s where he learned to work with his hands. He taught himself electrical and plumbing and other construction techniques and used those skills to build his first house (like I said above, at age 18). And this renovation mindset has carried through his entire career. He is known for buying distressed properties an fixing them up and turning them into something. Every local mayor loves this guy.

But he’s best known for running Tempe Cinemas. A deep discount theater that he runs at a loss for the families in the area. A few years ago he dumped 400,000 dollars into a place that makes no money, to upgrade to digital projectors so he could keep bringing families the latest movies. With tickets on Tuesdays only $2 a pop and snacks that are cheap as they come, a family of 5 can go see a movie and get snacks for under 20 bucks.

He runs the theater as a community service. He loves going there throughout the week and just meeting the families and really basking in the glow of giving back.

Welcome to his hallway of marble columns and gold accents. There has never been a dry panty in here.

But it’s not all roses and success. He named his business “Pollack Investments” and had hoped that his son, Daniel, would carry on his legacy. I think Bachelor Uncles like to collect things because we have a deep respect for the passage of time and the impermanence of everything. But on September 11th, 2011, his son was struck and killed buy a hit and run driver.

Since that day, Michael has really slowed down his investments, he’s let his hair grow out, and now only dresses in black. His charity continues, and he’s still the landlord with the biggest heart. But, that heart is broken and without his son, I’m afraid the Michael Pollack legacy might end with Michael. Which would be such a shame because, the world needs more Bachelor Uncles like this guy. Giving, successful, weird and beautiful.

But he’s aware of his impact and all of his decisions have been purposeful and with vision. “Someday, when I’m out of this world, I’ll have left it a better place than I found it,” he said in a 2014 interview.

Michael Pollack. Pure Eleganc’e.

This man is a personal hero and a bonafide debonair hunk. I wish I could be Michael Pollack when I grow up.

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