Goodwill Romance Novel Roundup

No one casually wears a dress like that, Heath Bar Crunch.

Romance novels have insane covers, I’m not breaking any new ground here. But I want to give you the plots of these books I found at Goodwill base solely on the cover. This will be dumb.

Herbologist Jennifer Whipshaw has lived a lonely life in her greenhouse until dream boat Cthad Churnberger showed up and turned her life upside down. Standing at a towering 5′ 6″, Cthad proves to Jennifer that while he doesn’t have a green thumb, he can still make her happy with his other fingers.
Author Emily Elliott pens her first and last book, Stronger Than Passion. A confused and unfortunate frat house rape fantasy with weird conservative political undertones. This book is historically significant as it is believed to be ghost written by the late Sentator Strom Thurmond. Skip this one.
A harrowing tale of workplace sexual misconduct, Samantha tries to make it in the cutthroat world of Private Investigations. But what do you do when your boss is the most connected man in Tuscaloosa? “That Passionate Solution” is a relatable story about the power of masturbation and self-care.
Fisherman John Fishman reels in his biggest catch ever. A 110 lb catfish with telepathic powers. The catfish brainwashes him into believing it is a beautiful Oregonian woman named Maureen. A light hearted book full of fishy smells and hilarious puns.
Molly Katz writes an uproarious book where she casts herself as the main character about an Heiress named Molly Katz who just wants her boyfriend to laugh at her jokes. This book concludes with a 3 page letter to her real life boyfriend, pleading with him for his attention. A sad but curious look at the state of female comedians.
A weird book about handjobs. I don’t know why this was made. Still better than “Snow Falling on Cedars”.
Molly Katz is back again with a tale about her main character, also named Molly Katz, who is a high power ’80s executive in Manhattan. Her Wall Street boyfriend is a mediocre lover and she’s very disappointed in him. This book reads like a woman with very average sexual fantasies who is trying very hard to convince you that she’s kinky because she likes to be on top sometimes. Bonus Points: Makes wonderful kindling.
1950s housewife Ethel Longoria dreams of mating with a human version of McGruff the crime dog. After eating expired meat in her kitchen, this novel takes place in her fever dreams before she passes away on the floor of her kitchen. Sad but reassuring, “Add A Dash of Love” is poorly written and instantly forgotten.
This is a re-release of Emily Elliott’s first and only book, “Stronger than Passion”. It’s literally the same book but it has a horse on the cover to appeal to horse girls. A total cash grab by “Candlelight Ecstasy Romance” publishing house.
Fonzie sex fan fiction. Weirdest part of this book is when Fonzie has an orgasm and the author writes “Ayyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee” all stretched out over 3 pages. The best of the bunch.
A girl in her coma befriends the ghost of a Canadian goose. The goose leads her through a technicolor hallucination where her dad marries a beautiful white goose and she grows up as a half human/half goose girl. There are 75 pages of man/goose erotica.

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