Fuck You Marvel Comics

Castoffs Assemble!

Comic books were big in the ’90s. It was probably their last real heyday. I know, comic book movies are all the rage today, but the last time comic books were a huge phenomenon was in the early ’90s. It was a crazy time for the industry where dipshits like Rob Liefeld were seen as big-time creators.

Literal human garbage who can’t draw. (pictured above)

Creators wanted to own their creations, and so a lot of the top talent left Marvel and formed Image Comics. This meant that there was a lot of vacancy over at Marvel, and one title, released in 1990 was The New Warriors.

I loved the X-Men and X-Force (fuck you Rob) as much as anyone at that time, but my favorite comic was the New Warriors. It was not the “cool” comic, but it was colorful, exciting, and most of all – funny. It was a legitimately funny book with a cast of castoff, forgotten Marvel characters. And it was written by a relative industry newcomer (Fabian Nicieza) and drawn by a dude who literally won a contest to draw for Marvel (Mark Bagley).

Just Beautiful.

My favorite character was Speedball. Originally created by the co-creator of Spider-Man (Steve Ditko), Speedball was cast as the comic relief in the New Warriors and it was my favorite thing ever at 9 years old.

Basically Speedball’s super powers are, he bounces around and can’t get hurt and has a stupid costume that is created by the “kinetic dimension” and he looks like a goofball. But – he wore a Butthole Surfers shirt in one issue, so you know he was hip.

In 1990, the New Warriors was legitimately written by young Gen-Xers just trying to do something with cast off characters. It felt a little contrived at the time, as they did a lot of eco-heroing and acted kind of like Captain Planet half the time. There was a lot of ’90s bullshit in this comic, but, it was fun and never took itself too seriously.

The NEW New Warriors. Oh boy. Here we go.

So right as the pandemic hit they announced they are bringing back the New Warriors (something they tried to do a couple times, and failed), with a whole new cast of characters being trained by the original cast of characters (kinda).

Written buy a dingleberry named Daniel Kibblesmith, a 37-year-old Millennial dipshit, he ushered in this new cast of characters and boy are they stupid. But they’re not just stupid, they’re offensive.

Look, representation matters, I get that. And I applaud Mr. Kibblesmith for trying to be inclusive here, but god damn did he miss the mark. Let me introduce you to this stupid roster.

This is B-Negative. Kind of a Kid Morbius. He’s a vampire. Cuz it’s not a teen comic if it doesn’t have vampires in it, right 2008?
Next up is Geordie LaForge, I mean Screentime. He is permanently connected to the internet after being exposed to experimental “internet gas”. Look, fuck this character and fuck this idea. His name is offensive and infantile, but it gets worse. So much worse. Which brings us to:
This is Trailblazer. Or rather, should I say “Fat Dora The Explorer”. What a fucking asshole character design this. She’s a chubby girl with a magic backpack that can hold anything and pull out random objects from a pocket dimension. What makes her a trailblazer? Also she might be native american, which makes her name super offensive.

But before we get into this last part. Let’s just take a moment to breathe. Think of something you love. Maybe your dog or your grandma. Find peace. Find tranquility. Find your center. Because this next thing is so god-damn infuriating that I had to write this. The thing is, everyone on the internet wrote about this back in April, but, I missed it cuz, ya know, Global Pandemic.

As a New Warriors fan, life hasn’t always been easy. But this is probably the worst thing to ever happen to the New Warriors, and they’ve done some cringey ass shit in the past. (Honestly, I should do a whole article about the cringey shit the New Warriors had in it, from characters to story lines).

Without further ado:

Fuck you Marvel. Fuck you Daniel Kibblesmith. Fuck you Luciano Vecchio. Fuck everyone involved in this. Holy shit this is messed up.

So here’s the deal. They’re twins. But Snowflake is non-binary and goes by they/them pronouns. Safespace is Snowflake’s brother. Snowflake throws ice shurikens. Safespace makes forcefields. Both of them look like Overwatch rejects.

These names are offensive, dismissive and grotesque. Representation matters, but to name the first non-binary superhero “Snowflake” makes me so angry. Then to attach it to my favorite childhood comic? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Fuck Marvel. Fuck these character designs. Fire everyone involved. Luckily they only released 3 issues and it appears to be cancelled. I’m so fucking pissed.

Join me next time when I talk about something else no one cares about. What a fucking year dude. Down with the white wall.

Leave a Comment