There’s No Place For A Fireplace

Please can we go to there.

I live in Arizona, and yet, for a long time it seemed every house had a fireplace. It was a weird anomaly. A quirk of the MLS system. When people are searching for a home, they would select “Has Fireplace” and so there were many amazing houses without fireplaces that got ignored. I think homes with a fireplace appraise higher than ones without. So a bunch of houses in Arizona have stupid fireplaces.

Why are they stupid? Well for many reasons, but in particular, it’s 180 degrees all the time here. “Oh let’s sit down to a warm cozy fire in the middle of July”, said no one.

Look how gorgeous this is. Just picture long nights curdled up around your wall hole talking about tax returns and Adele singles.

Okay, so a fireplace can be purely decorative. But no. No one does a cool futuristic fireplace that looks good even without a fire. They just cut a hole in the wall and slap some bricks around it and then let it sit there. There’s no way that forming a fireplace in the wall is less expensive than a rad mid century metal fireplace. There just can’t be.

Come sit on my fluff sacks and stare at a raging inferno.

But what it does take? It does take some creativity and personality to incorporate a stand-alone fire place. And people don’t want that. They don’t want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a home and then do something with it. They just want to live in an uninspired white walled prison staring at a partner they grow to resent more every day.

But honey! We got this dumbass fireplace in the middle of the desert because we’re stupid as fuck and as we age, we grow distant from our friends. Remember when we were cool and used to do drugs.

I don’t know who lives here. I just want to hang out with them and their rabbit.

Do something cool with your fireplace or skip it entirely.

Next time we’re going to talk about why no one needs a breakfast nook starring e-sports legend Shroud.

Where can I buy this?

3 thoughts on “There’s No Place For A Fireplace

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