There’s No Place For A Fireplace

Please can we go to there.

I live in Arizona, and yet, for a long time it seemed every house had a fireplace. It was a weird anomaly. A quirk of the MLS system. When people are searching for a home, they would select “Has Fireplace” and so there were many amazing houses without fireplaces that got ignored. I think homes with a fireplace appraise higher than ones without. So a bunch of houses in Arizona have stupid fireplaces.

Why are they stupid? Well for many reasons, but in particular, it’s 180 degrees all the time here. “Oh let’s sit down to a warm cozy fire in the middle of July”, said no one.

Look how gorgeous this is. Just picture long nights curdled up around your wall hole talking about tax returns and Adele singles.

Okay, so a fireplace can be purely decorative. But no. No one does a cool futuristic fireplace that looks good even without a fire. They just cut a hole in the wall and slap some bricks around it and then let it sit there. There’s no way that forming a fireplace in the wall is less expensive than a rad mid century metal fireplace. There just can’t be.

Come sit on my fluff sacks and stare at a raging inferno.

But what it does take? It does take some creativity and personality to incorporate a stand-alone fire place. And people don’t want that. They don’t want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a home and then do something with it. They just want to live in an uninspired white walled prison staring at a partner they grow to resent more every day.

But honey! We got this dumbass fireplace in the middle of the desert because we’re stupid as fuck and as we age, we grow distant from our friends. Remember when we were cool and used to do drugs.

I don’t know who lives here. I just want to hang out with them and their rabbit.

Do something cool with your fireplace or skip it entirely.

Next time we’re going to talk about why no one needs a breakfast nook starring e-sports legend Shroud.

Where can I buy this?

17 thoughts on “There’s No Place For A Fireplace”

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  5. By way of introduction, I am Mark Schaefer, and I represent Nutritional Products International. We serve both international and domestic manufacturers who are seeking to gain more distribution within the United States. Your brand recently caught my attention, so I am contacting you today to discuss the possibility of expanding your national distribution reach.We provide expertise in all areas of distribution, and our offerings include the following: Turnkey/One-stop solution, Active accounts with major U.S. distributors and retailers, Our executive team held executive positions with Walmart and Amazon, Our proven sales force has public relations, branding, and marketing all under one roof, We focus on both new and existing product lines, Warehousing and logistics. Our company has a proven history of initiating accounts and placing orders with major distribution outlets. Our history allows us to have intimate and unique relationships with key buyers across the United States, thus giving your brand a fast track to market in a professional manner. Please contact me directly so that we can discuss your brand further. Kind Regards, Mark Schaefer, marks@nutricompany.com, VP of Business Development, Nutritional Products International, 101 Plaza Real S, Ste #224, Boca Raton, FL 33432, Office: 561-544-0719

  7. By way of introduction, I am Mark Schaefer, and I represent Nutritional Products International. We serve both international and domestic manufacturers who are seeking to gain more distribution within the United States. Your brand recently caught my attention, so I am contacting you today to discuss the possibility of expanding your national distribution reach.We provide expertise in all areas of distribution, and our offerings include the following: Turnkey/One-stop solution, Active accounts with major U.S. distributors and retailers, Our executive team held executive positions with Walmart and Amazon, Our proven sales force has public relations, branding, and marketing all under one roof, We focus on both new and existing product lines, Warehousing and logistics. Our company has a proven history of initiating accounts and placing orders with major distribution outlets. Our history allows us to have intimate and unique relationships with key buyers across the United States, thus giving your brand a fast track to market in a professional manner. Please contact me directly so that we can discuss your brand further. Kind Regards, Mark Schaefer, marks@nutricompany.com, VP of Business Development, Nutritional Products International, 101 Plaza Real S, Ste #224, Boca Raton, FL 33432, Office: 561-544-0719

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