The Rainforest Cafe – An Aesthetic Choice

Everyday is fucking Earth Day.

Hey Kids. Wanna go to the mall and eat over priced mozzarella sticks while a broken animatronic gorilla screams at you? FUCK YEAH! It’s time for the Rainforest Cafe!

Do you love eating reheated frozen food in a room that smells like a public pool? Does the idea of chowing down on some freezer burned black bean burgers next to 17 screaming children make you super excited? Then do I have the interior design trend for you.

Buy plants and try your hardest to keep them alive. It’s like a video game, where everything you do is a micro-transaction and the only prize is crippling depression. See if you can keep a plant, any plant, alive for 2 weeks or more! If so, you must be a magician! No one has ever beaten the high score!

Middle-aged women dream of being seduced by a pirate shirted stoic man in a bathroom like this.

Plants inside your house are supposed to “clean the air” whatever that means. I just like the way they look. What’s great is if you get fake plants, they do the opposite of cleaning the air. They fill it with dust and a lingering stale scent that only years of neglect can offer. But look at them. Plants are a really creative natural decor choice that require both work and time.

But they sure are nice. I like the way they look. The real value of plants besides “cleaning the air” is the shadows they cast on your walls. They provide a sense of drama in an otherwise maudlin space. “Whoa dude! You have plants in here? It’s like the outdoors! Holy shit!”, is what your guests will say.

I imagine an influential yet spooky couple in an open relationship sitting quietly on these chairs while various potential mates from FetLife walk past hoping to gain their favor.

So buy some plants. Put them in your house. Have ideas. I don’t know man.

8 thoughts on “The Rainforest Cafe – An Aesthetic Choice”

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