Stop Listening to Realtors.

I’m calling you out for your bullshit email with garbage advice you sent me and countless other people. I’m sure you’re otherwise a cool person.

Oh boy. Yesterday I received an email that made me so unbelievably angry that I had to share it with the 7 people that read this blog. Before I get into it, please don’t harass anyone, please take this with the tongue-in-cheek tone that it is intended.

But fuck this shit! HGTV is the Fox News of interior design. If you watch it long enough, you’ll start to believe that children belong in cages and Obama was a Kenyan. If you watch enough HGTV, you’ll start to see wood paneling and glass block the way Fox News viewers see women with short hair.

Here’s the email I got. I’m SO ANGRY.

Just casually opening my email and HOLY SHIT!

Ditch the Kitsch and Hide Your Opinions

Hi Jack,

Here’s a quick home-selling tip:

My favorite example of unnecessary and unwelcome kitsch is the pink pig sitting on the fridge door asking if you’re eating again. It oinks when your potential buyer opens the refrigerator. This and other comical quips are great fun when you’re living in your home, not when you’re trying to sell it. Especially avoid politically-charged material that expresses strong opinions. Think, “Model Home” when you are getting your home ready for the market.

I can get you top dollar for your home. You just need to CALLLLLL me. Or text. Or email. 🙂

Please let me know when and how we can help!

Pardon me but go fuck yourself. Look, this might be good advice for selling homes, I don’t know, I didn’t take a 6 week course on how to sell homes. But, this is exactly why we’re here today, sucking on the dick of white paint. It’s gotten so bad that even the wood floors have been stripped of color and are now just grey grey grey.

Not everything is a commodity. Not everything is for sale. Not everyone has a price, Ted Debiase. It’s because of home improvement shows, fix and flip shows, and shitty real estate advice that everything looks the same. What’s more is that every single little personal touch is seen as damaging or anathema to the value of your home.

I have friends who are real estate agents. I love them dearly. I bought my house with some dear friends who are professional real estate agents. So at the risk of alienating some friends, I sincerely ask you, while you’re living in your house, stop listening to real estate agents. Their job isn’t to create you a beautiful, comfortable, wonderful home that bristles with all the creativity and energy that is you.

Their job is to churn leads into sales and get onto the next one as soon as possible. Their job is to turn your home into a white and grey box of sadness so they can sell it to the next asshole with no ideas and no personality. “Newly Remodeled” means that the house has died and you’re now being asked to pay top dollar for it’s coffin.

These assholes paint brick because “Red could turn someone off”.

STOP. Step away from the grey paint. STOP.

Architects must hate real estate agents.

Anyway – that is today’s review of my spam mail. Tune in next week where I get mad and rant about how gum wrappers have changed.

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