Respect Your Architecture – Bachelor Uncle Sunday

So the other day, a reader and hotboy Nick Shelby sent me a message on Facebook and wanted to show me his sweet new score of a perfect MCM table and chair set. Of course I approved because Mr. Shelby recently bought a house in Tucson by famed architect Tom Gist.

It’s one of Tom’s early works but still, the guy fucking stole this place once you see all of it’s original character and charm. So when he showed me his table and chair set, I was very excited because here was a dude doing things right.

Nick gets it. You don’t get a beautiful mid-century ranch and try to make it Farmhouse. How many shitty 2000 sq ft. stucco nightmares still have Tuscan accents out there? Too many. It’s basically all of Mesa, AZ. It makes me so frustrated.

So here’s the thing. You can’t force it. If you have a 70s home, it’s not going to be an Art Deco mansion. Maybe you can Art Deco up your Tudor home or Victorian, but you can’t make a low slung mid century ranch into something it’s not.

That’s why you have to respect the architecture. Some of the pictures I post on here aren’t even of spaces that are well decorated. They’re just spaces with beautiful, interesting architecture. But if you were to get a Frank Lloyd Wright house and paint over the wood and take out the stained glass to make it look more “contemporary” you have no right owning that house.

Look at this beautiful contemporary Duplex. It’s a gorgeous home in a beautiful part of the world with an immaculate view. It was built in the ’60s so you just KNOW it’s going to look amazing inside. It’s also done by a famed architect, Allyn E. Morris. It costs 1.3 million dollars. I have high hopes. Let’s go inside.

Are you fucking kidding me? What is even going on here? What is that back splash? What is going on with the wicker and folding bar chairs. Oh no baby, what is you doing? But the biggest crime?

WHO CARPETS A FLOATING STAIRCASE?!

I’m so frustrated by whoever did this. This wasn’t an easy task. Look at that gorgeous railing that they painted white and the carpeted the thing. Someone spent time and money to ruin this. It looks to be a professional job as well. Someone went into that home and ruined a beautiful floating staircase for what reason? To hurt my feelings?

This monstrosity was sent to me by Super Mom, Hannah Jimenez out in Hollywood, CA. Thanks for ruining my day Hannah. Next time just send me photos of fecal matter.

HGTV is a holocaust of bad ideas and destroyed legacy. Every time I watch that channel, I’m horrified by what they do to the homes. I once saw them shit on a sputnik lamp and replace it with some geometric pendant light. They called it old and weird.

It’s a whole channel designed to showing people how to ruin homes and not care about architecture. Not everything can be solved by laying down vinyl flooring and knocking down the walls. But that’s all the Property Brothers do. They take a perfectly fine home and rip out it’s character and fill it with model home furniture.

It probably films alright, but every episode has me screaming at it. I try not watch it if I can help it. But it does make for good motivation when on the treadmill at the gym.

Here’s what I mean:

Look at that room. It’s warm. It’s homey. It’s old world. It’s literally a hearth. But the Property Brothers hate everything that’s warm and homey and earthy and timeless. They must make it weird and white. Realistically all this room needs is a different ceiling fan, and maybe updated flooring.

But they Property Brothers did this to it:

Ugh. So look, here’s the deal. If you don’t want a mid century house. Don’t buy one. If you really want a Farmhouse style home, buy a fucking farmhouse. Don’t ruin a beautiful home just because you need more space to put up giant wood letters. That home will outlive you and it’s your job to honor the spirit of the home. It’s your job to be a good steward and conservator.

Don’t ruin it. Please don’t. Trust that the architect knew what looked best inside that house. They knew what it should be. You’re a weirdo who shops at Home Goods too much.

Let’s have a good week. And happy new year. Sorry for the long gaps between posts everyone, it’s been the holidays and I’m sure you’ve all had better things to do than read my rants about interior design and guys who animate mannequins.

2020 baby! The year of the Bachelor Uncle.

Oh yeah and email me pictures of your home: hotboy@thebacheloruncle.com