Iris Apfel – Bachelor Uncle Of The Week

I would pay all of my money to watch 98 year old Iris dropkick the joyless wench that is Marie Kondo. She’s got the boots to do it.

Yeah dude. Bachelor Uncles can be girls too. They can be whatever the fuck they want to be. It’s 2019, just because I love a good Eames chair from the 1960’s doesn’t mean my gender politics are stuck back there. Fuck man, there’s very few redeemable things left back in the ’60s anyway. The Boomers ruined it all.

You all have Google skills so I’m not going to recap Iris Apfel’s life but I’m highlighting her today to talk about the opposite of minimalism.


Every single inch of Iris Apfel’s house is covered in things she loves. Her walls have more color, texture and personality that most peoples entire homes. Sometimes, more is more, and Iris has lived longer than most of us ever will. She’s still relevant and still vibrant and her lessons will long out live her. Can you imagine thinking that you know more about this woman when it comes to interior design? Or aesthetic sensibility? GTFO.

I think I’m an aesthetic masochist because I keep watching douchebag realtors on YouTube give advice to home-owners on how they should decorate their home to maximize their home value. Iris’s home, regardless of her fame and notoriety will one day sell for more money that any of us will ever see in our lives. Do you think her pilasters are creating a sense of clutter and ruining the clean open lines? No, they make the room look like a Greek temple and would make anyone in that room feel like a God or Goddess.

This space was designed by Michelle Nussbaumer in the style of Iris Apfel. See? She understands that all of your furniture has to fit on all of your rug. She had to layer rugs to make it work – but god does it work!

I’m not a huge fan of maximalism. I’m not a huge fan of Victorian design either. There’s not much in Iris Apfel’s home that I would want for myself, but that’s the entire point. I want to make this perfectly clear. *I* don’t live there. Iris does. Iris lives in that space and it’s so 100% her. She could be in Tokyo, and I in her apartment, and without her even being in the same hemisphere as myself, I would know so much about Iris. What she loves. What she appreciates. What colors make her happy. What textures. Where she’s been. What she’s seen.

If I stood in your living room, would I be able to piece together things about you? Or is the most accurate statement about you “My name is Jeff.”?

“Your apartment should mirror your personality and it’s better to have a few things that are against the decorating rules (which I don’t think there should be any of anyway) than to have everything so perfect. When people come into my home they know that I live there. Everything I have is a favourite, everything in my house I love. I’m a collector and I’ve been collecting for years. I never had a coffee table and my grandmother, every time she visited, drove me crazy. Finally I bought a coffee table I didn’t really like just to take up space and I hated it, and it really cost me more money in the end because I had to get rid of it and buy another one.”

-Iris Apfel

The fact that people listen to fucknuggets on YouTube or some Netflix Original vapid design succubus over an absolute icon like Iris Apfel, makes me furious. You have a self-made maven who is world-renowned for her taste and style, and yet, Brittany over at Buzzfeed is your style icon? Gross dude.

This is a fearless person. She’s perfect.

Here’s the most important thing I have learned from Iris. Fashion is something you buy. Style is something you possess. Personal style is curiosity about oneself. If you don’t know yourself, you’ll never have style. The biggest tragedy is to come home and not see yourself.

So here’s to Iris Apfel. May she live another 98 years.

Down with the white wall.

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