Granite Countertops Look Like Granola Bars

You can have any flavor you want except good. They don’t make them in good.

That’s it. That’s all I really wanted to say. Granite countertops look terrible and have always looked terrible. They look like someone shellac’d a granola bar and started using it in Tuscan inspired kitchens. But because it’s Sunday, and I feel I should say more. I will. But really, the entire point of this article is granite countertops look like granola bars and it’s dumb.

Hard pass.

In the late ’90s some dingus decided granite was ritzy and thus they could charge more for rental houses with granite countertops. I believe this to be an over correction in response to formica or laminate countertops. While cheap, laminate countertops aren’t very durable, and they scratch up over time. They also don’t have much of a premium feel. However, you can get laminate countertops in SO MANY STYLES!

I want those boomerang ones so bad.

But as a chopping surface, granite is hard and durable and stands the test of time. The problem is, it looks like shit. Like absolutely garbage.

The worst part? They became so popular, that now it’s hard to find laminate in cool colors and patterns. Now even laminate comes in shitty granite granola flavors almost primarily.

Let’s look at other alternatives that look so much better than granite, shall we?

Panda food!

Bamboo is durable and light weight and good for the environment. It looks like wood but has a horizontal vibe going on that makes it great for Mid Century interiors or modern/contemporary styles.

What’s up you Venetian prince?

Marble is a great choice but really expensive. Marble has been used for thousands of years and is so much better than granite in every single way. If you can afford it. Do Marble.

Bonus points because it can keep time.

Quartz is the new hotness. It has a similar vibe to marble and a durability that matches or exceed granite. It has a great range of color/design choices and if you had quartz countertops, I wouldn’t be mad at you. But a real hotboy would look at these choices.

Farmhouse – you ruin everything.

Please ignore the obvious idiot who decided to destroy their cool, functional modern kitchen with barnwood and non structural beams. Stainless Steel is the fucking best. It looks great. It is durable. And there’s a reason professional kitchens have stainless steel countertops. There won’t be a time where stainless steel doesn’t look modern, masculine and awesome. Way, way, way better than granite.

So nice.

What about wood you fucking moron? Wood has been used forever, it always looks great, and you can do so much with it. From funky stains, the scalloped drains. It’s cheap, functional and beautiful.

Sure, you’ll have to refinish it sometimes and yeah it will get scratches and dents over time, but I think a well lived in space looks great. And it’s wood. If it wears out, replace it. Stop being weird.

Just pour it dude.

Concrete is a great choice. At the risk of advocating for a large grey surface, hear me out. Concrete is durable, moldable and usually has a unique matte finish. I love the sharp lines and how you can create really unique shapes and designs with concrete. It’s a masculine and durable material that I think will stand the test of time. It looks great in loft style homes/apartments and can only be damaged by sledgehammers.

It’s okay.

Having a soapstone countertop has got to be like having the Turbografix 16 back in the ’90s. It’s a quality choice and I understand why someone would want it, but it wouldn’t be my first choice. I like the matte finish of soapstone, but it runs the risk of just looking like worn out marble, or marble laminate. It’s a fundamentally fine countertop material, it just doesn’t spark joy in me.

It’s gonna be a no from me dog.

I’m gonna have to offer a word of caution when it comes to tile countertops. While I appreciate the aesthetic. You can get tiles anywhere and in any design and color. They make for a terrible countertop material. Why? Grouts. It’s gross and they’re hard to clean. Imagine eating off a shower wall. That’s what tile countertops are. Don’t do this. Don’t do granite.

Please do this and invite me over and show me your architectural drawings of tiny homes in the pacific northwest..

In Conclusion, granite is gross and ugly and stupid and overplayed. It’s not a premium material and I wouldn’t put it in my kitchen even if it was free.

Let’s have a good week.

2 thoughts on “Granite Countertops Look Like Granola Bars

  1. I specified the boomerang Formica when my family renovated our summer house a decade ago. And a friend of mine used to live in this amazing house in the Oakland hills that had its original 1950s kitchen including the boomerang pattern in yellow, with chrome flashing on the sides which was the traditional way to install it. That was too expensive for our summer house so we did a regular bullnose edge.

    That loaf of challah being sliced sparks joy.

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